Sorry I've been absent...

It's just been crazy busy. Tons of stuff to ship out from the Ebay store. If you ordered it, it should be on the way. A lot of great new stuff in at the store. Make sure check the website and I have finally caught up on a bunch of reading. No, Maricel did not leave me. School started and she's just been busy with her new teaching assistant position. They love her there and she likes it a lot. Lucky kids. I would have loved a teacher that looked like that. The only book I haven't read is my precious issue #38. It's not reported stolen anywhere that Ellen can find, but I'm still not so sure it's mine yet. Brian is not doing well. But they say he's actually starting to improve. I can't see it. But I am ready to discuss comics with all comers...

See you in the funny papers...

Simon

I was attempting to enjoy a late dinner...

with my beloved. SWSNBN showed up all nice and surly with cash in hand. She had the fiance with her and boy, did he look uncomfortable.
"I'll pay for the damn door." She said. "Write me a receipt. I brought cash, I figured you wouldn't take a check."
I shrugged.
She counted it out in an exaggerated fashion. Maricel looked as if she was on the verge of laughing hysterically.
"Fair enough." I found a receipt pad and wrote her out one marked paid in full. Then I pulled box with the earrings out of a drawer and tossed it to her. "Found something."
She opened them and let out a genuine sigh of relief. "I told you they were here."
"You didn't put them up in the basement ceiling, did you?" I asked. "Cause that's where they were."
"I thought I put them in that freaky little cubby in the bathroom." She said. "Or in the back of the linen closet."
"No valuable comic books with them?" I said.
"Huh?" SWSNBN said.
"Never mind. "Have a nice wedding, skip the B & E, 'kay?"
"Screw you." She said.
"You're welcome." I said.
She frowned. "Thanks for finding them. I guess you were looking for them."
Krypto darted out from wherever she was lounging and decided to climb up SWSNBN's pants. SWSNBN doesn't like cats. They scare her. Her fiance was more comfortable with animals, he actually picked up Krypto and said. "Cute. Hon, it's a kitten."
SWSNBN was not amused. She did inquire after Brian, though. I guess that was nice of her.

I tried to talk to Weezer...

But he's way freaking out of it. I just wanted some kind of confirmation that he was the one who put the the book in the ceiling. But I couldn't even get a blink. I'm really worried about him. Breathing is kind of important. I feel like I never really took the asthma seriously. Of course, the asthma isn't all of it. He's screwed around with his body eighteen ways to Sunday (as Grandpa likes to say) His heart is messed up and I know his brain is scrambled. I've been watching him get progressively dumber for years and it hasn't been pretty. We all know what's wrong with, we always have, but nobody's ever been able to figure out what to do about it. I feel very tired...

I didn't open it...

It's not mine or at least I don't think it is. I don't like people in my stuff, so I probably shouldn't get in anybody else's. Suck! Ellen's going to check to find out if the book has been reported missing anywhere. I looked around on-line and didn't see any mention of it. If there had been, I would remember. But if something of mine worth that much money went missing, I don't know as if I'd want that getting around. You could get some ransom demands. Yeah, that book is that rare and that valuable. So I think I'll just trot on over to the bank and put it in my safe deposit box before I open up the store. So if you're looking for it, don't bother.

Yes, I know it can cost a whole lot of money to

grade a valuable book. But to some of us, it might be worth it to read it. The train for dorktown is leaving... Woo! Woo! get on board...

I called Ellen in the morning...

And I think perhaps that Maricel thinks we see a wee bit too much of Ellen around here. Nothing she said, not anything she did. Just a flicker in the eyes. I probably should have kept my mouth shut about sleeping with her, huh? I showed Ellen the wondrous book and she drooled.
"What do I do?" I asked.
"Nothing." Ellen said. "I can check to see if it's been reported stolen, but if it hasn't; possession really is nine tenths of the law. It was on your property. When Weezer can talk maybe he can answer some of our questions. Are you going to read it?"
"It's sealed." I said.
"Well all opening would do is mean it has to be graded again. It doesn't really destroy the value, right?"
No, it doesn't." I said.
So I guess I get to read it.

We put it on the table and stared at it for a long time...

Too bad it's sealed up in high grade mylar, cause I can't read it. Then I put it in the safe where I keep the days meager receipts. I don't know where this came from If this is what Weezer bought for a hundred bucks, it has to be stolen. Somebody might not know an old book lying around the house is valuable, but this book had been professionally graded. Somebody knew. Now I have to figure out what to do.

See you in the funny papers...
Simon

Say what?

I have one of these. I have #38. If the grading is authentic, it's worth more about as much as my house. I don't know how it got into my ceiling or if Weezer bought this with a fake hundred dollar bill. If he did, no wonder someone wants to kill him. But where the hell did he get the earrings? Did SWSNBN have the book? I'm very confused. I think I want another martini.

The ceiling was scary... Love me dammit!

I wish that I was cute enough to get away with crawling in the ceiling...
Hail Krypto, brilliant earring hunter! Time for a some kitty treats and to consult the Overstreet guide. SWSNBN will get the earrings when I get paid for my door. Sounds fair enough to me, don't you think?

Guess what fell out of my ceiling...

If you said a small jewelry box, you'd be correct. But go ahead guess what else fell out of the ceiling? A comic book. A bagged, boarded and graded comic book. Yep, I do have SWSNBN's earrings. Go figure. In my ceiling. WTF? Somehow I suspect Weezer...

We decided to do some laundry around eleven...

I have a nice washer and dryer. My old ones both died at the same time last year and I got some dang pretty floor models with slight scratching at deep discount. My basement ain't bad for being in an old business. I had ample time after the break up to drylock my basement, put in some new vinyl tile and build shelves. Weezer and I tried to put in the drop ceiling, then I gave the hell up and had a professional finish it. Krypto rode down in the laundry basket, highly amused at everything. I hope she likes the basement, cause that's where the litterbox is going as soon as she's big enough to handle the stairs. I have some cool stuff stored down there and after we put in the first load, I showed Maricel some of my action figures. That's not a metaphor for anything, okay? Then we heard Krypto mewing. We didn't see her. It got louder and more plaintive and then I heard scratching sounds above my head. She was up in my ceiling. CRAP! There was a tile slightly askew and it looked as if she'd climbed up on one of my shelves and made her way into the forbidden land of ceiling. I got a flashlight and a ladder and pushed the tile away. Something fell out, that was not a cat. Krypto was literally screaming by then. I shined the light into the darkness and called her. She wailed some more. I didn't want to tear out the ceiling, so I sent Maricel up for some meat. It only took half an hour to rescue our baby. Whereupon we punished her for her bad behavior by showering her with love. That'll learn her. Oh, by the way...

It's profoundly humbling...

When someone you respect (or adore) says the kinds of things to you that you've always thought you wanted to hear. Especially if they seem sincere. Dear God, I really love that girl. The idea of her getting hurt makes me sick to my stomach. It also makes me want to take the darn shotgun and go hunting for a fat, pale dude with braids. If you are that dude, watch you ample backside, bud. It could easily be full of bird shot. Just saying...

Oh yeah, the kitten is fine...

Thank you for your concern...

At least the blood came up...

I highly recommend the Armstrong commercial floor tiles. I shut up shop early and took Maricel out for dinner. She seemed fine, I was still a little freaked out. I'm still a little freaked out. Then we came home, Ellen stopped by to see if we were okay, which we were. I made some more martinis. By the way, a couple of martini-infused evenings does not mean I'm an alcoholic. Thanks for the kind referrals to AA, though. We went to bed at seven, though not to sleep. Wink, Wink nudge nudge, you know what I mean? I feel better now.

I missed the excitement again...

When I got home, the police were there talking to Maricel. When our fat white dude with dreds was done harassing my nearly comatose cousin, he came back here looking for something. Maricel said he came into the store yelling and screaming about something that made not a lick of sense to her. Then he grabbed her by the shirt, called her a bitch and said that he wanted it back. He did not elaborate on what "it" was. He smelled like liquor, just like they said he did at the hospital. So she grabbed the boxcutter under the counter and stuck him in the hand with it. Four times, as hard as she could. Hence the blood all over the floor of my store. Good thing I went with the linoleum over carpet. I did not feel as flip as I sound here. At the time my hands were shaking. After the police left, I hugged Maricel so hard she couldn't breathe.
"He's lucky I didn't go for the shotgun." She said referring to the sawed-off shotgun I kept under the counter. If the police saw it, they didn't say anything about the present my grandpa gave me when I opened the store. He didn't want me to be one of those comic store owners murdered for twenty bucks.
"Christ, what the hell has Weezer done?" I wondered.
"He wouldn't say what it was he wanted." Maricel said. "He was just drunk and mad."
"Your aunt was right, you aren't safe here." I said.

Sister and I missed the excitement...

We got to the hospital to find out that someone had tried to rough up Brian in his hospital bed. From my panicked Aunt's description, it sounds like the dude who came looking for him in the store. He actually grabbed him and shook him. That precipitated another severe asthma attack, so he's back on oxygen and again looking like death warmed over. It's not unusual for people to rough up Weezer over money, but in his hospital bed seems a bit extreme. Sister said she'd stay with our aunt for awhile. I looked at Brian and felt sad for him, then I went back to the store. Krypto was perched on a bust of Catwoman looking out the front window. That made me smile.

We enjoy blogging together....

Actually, she likes the aquarium screen saver and I'm a dork with a digital camera and a kitten. Bear with me, I haven't had a pet in years. And I ain't putting pictures of my new girlfriend on the web, despite numerous requests you pervert.

I woke up with kitten paws in my mouth...

Krypto seems to really, really like me. And it seems my neck is cozy. I took it to the vet and it was declared a she, given shots and put on a weight-gain diet. Then back to open the store. Then Maricel got a call from the temp agency about a job subbing as a teaching assistant for a week. It's at the school for the arts, which I think would be easier than the school for autistic kids, but I could be wrong. She had to head out for some kind of orientation. While Krypto and I were enjoying a sandwich for lunch, my sister came in.
"Mom says I need to apologize." She said.
"No need." I said. "There's no reason we should ever speak again."
"That could be awkward. Cute kitten."
"What do want, Sister?" I really do call her Sister, I have for years and she hates it when I use her name on-line.
"Where's your friend?"
"Talking to someone about a teaching job." I said.
"She was pretty offended." Sister said.
"She was exponentially offended."
"Uh, I guess I misunderstood the situation." Sister said.
"Yes, I actually can get a woman without having to order her from a catalog. Although, from what I understand it's illegal to advertise chicks in the Philippines, so the dudes put themselves in a catalog and the ladies give 'em a call."
"It's just that you've been so lonely since..."
"Actually not that lonely for awhile. I've just been on-line late at night talking to Maricel."
"You know she's gettig married, right?" Sister said.
"Yeah, she broke into my back door to look for some earrings that go with her dress."
"Oh." Sister said and furrowed her brow. She knew more than she was saying.
Maricel got back while Sister and I were talking.
"I'm gonna go see Brian." Sister said.
"Go with her if you want." Maricel said. "I'll watch the store."
"How was your orientation?" I asked.
"Not much to it." She said.
"I'm all apologetic and stuff." Sister said.
"Good for you." Maricel said and she picked up Krypto and began to cuddle her while ignoring Sister. Gotta love a multi-tasker.

So now I have a cat...

And she is an adorable little monster. I know eventually it'll grow into a cat. I put up a couple of signs, so If you lost an adorable kitten with a strange little tail twitch who is both malnourished and flea-bitten, here she be. Right now she is climbing up by back, so she can watch me use the computer. I seem to have gone quite domestic these days.

The afternoon was slow...

We had a crazy thunderstorm. It was coming down in buckets with lightning flashing and thunder booming. Maricel and I just hung around the store and read. I caught up on some books. Pretty interesting stuff happening gang. Maricel went up to fix dinner around the time the rain let up. We had brief rush at the store, then I got to eat me some dinner. She can grill her some chicken that girl of mine. I called for a report on Weezer and they said he was doing much better, but he was sleeping now I skipped the hospital visit and Maricel and I went for a walk. The storm hit the trees hard around our neighborhood, there were bits and pieces of limbs everywhere. We went for a walk in the park, as Maricel keeps forcing me into activity. We were standing overlooking the river while I expounded on the history of the park and Maumee River Yacht Club. Then it happened. A teeny wet ball of fur darted out of a bush and climbed up Maricel's leg.
"Mew!" It said as it desperately clung to her.
It was a scrawny, wet, teeny baby kitty. Crap. What are you gonna do?
Maricel wants to call her Krypto.

SWSNBN called me...

Against her attorney's advice, she added.
"I'm not paying to fix your damn door twice! I only busted it once. It was a crappy old door anyway, you'd have had to get one anyway sooner or late! Why should I pay for something I didn't even do?"
"Price of crime." I said. "Pay for all of it or go to court."
"My lawyer will..." she began.
"Charge you a freaking fortune." I said. "Pay for my damn door. I don't care if you broke it once or twice. You'll pay for it."
"You're a jackass." She said as if that was harsh after all the other crap she'd said about me yesterday.
"Yep." I said. "Pay for my door."

"If you were my sister..."

I told Maricel over a delightful tuna salad that I'd put together. "I'd come get you and drag you home."
"If you were my brother." She said. "I'd be absolutely sure that little foreign chick was out to rip you off."
I'd put together one of what I consider my specialties: tuna salad that you scoop up with Fritos Scoops. Maricel said it tasted good.
"I've no plans to dump you in a lake." I said thinking about a case I'd seen on Cold Case or American Justice.
"I've no plans to kill you yet." She said.

There were probably five guys in the store when I got home.

And bless her heart, Maricel was selling them stuff. She's knowledgeable enough to talk about product and smart enough to admit when she's not familiar with something in order to give the customers the pleasure of explaining it to her. SEVEN HUNDRED DOLLARS in sales. On a weekday morning. WHAT THE HELL? She doesn't need to get a job. She's plenty profitable as store decor. Maybe I need to get another job and just let her run the store. Then she offered to make me lunch. I made her lunch. I didn't want her leaving the store.

On my way out...

I literally ran into a pretty dark-haired woman with a stack of files. As I was helping her pick it up I realized I knew her from somewhere, but I couldn't think where.
"I know you, don't I?" I asked.
"Yeah, I think so." She said and she looked me up and down.
"I've never been indicted, if that helps." I said. "I have a comic store."
"You're Simon." She said after a second or two.
"I'm still lost." I said.
"I'm Maria. I'm Juanita Morales daughter."
Juanita Morales is the Juanita who's been helping Danny out for a decade or so.
"I haven't seen you in a long time." I said. "Nice suit."
"I'm an assistant prosecutor." She said.
"I'm stil just the guy with the comic books." I said.
"How's Danny?" She asked.
"I really hadn't talked to him for a couple of months." I said.
"Oh." She said. "Mom worries about him. She thinks he might be mad at her for leaving him."
"I didn't know she was gone." I said.
"She didn't really leave." Maria explained. "Dad and her retired to San Antonio."
"Oh." I said.
"You know she really needed the break. She feels bad, though. She really loves Danny."
"I know." I said.
"She said he e-mailed a few times, but it just didn't seem friendly."
"I guess he's in Florida right now." I said.
"Yeah, Mom said that." Maria said. "But, you know. He could send her a little note or something. I hate to sound selfish, but he took up a lot of her time for a lot of years and she went way beyond what she was getting paid for."
"I know. She's really like a second mom to him."
"Well, you should call your mother, you know? Even if you're a little mad because she moved."

I went down to the prosecutor's office...

And got to talk with the poor woman who was supposed to be handing my complaint against SWSNBN.
"She hasn't lived there for two years." I said. "She's got no business breaking in."
"She says you stole her earrings." Assistant Prosecutor Donna Krieger read from a file.
"She decided two years after she moved out that she must have left them behind and that I somehow know where they are. She's done almost three hundred dollars worth of damage trying to get into my house. She broke in twice. It's ridiculous. I'm not interested in dragging this thing out forever. If she'll pay me for the damage, I guess I could let it go. And she has to stay the heck away from my home and my place of business. Coveniently, they're the same place."
"Do you have her earrings?" Ms. Krieger asked.
"No, I don't." I said. "Criminently."
"Criminently?" She laughed.
"I didn't think you were supposed to drop the F bomb around here." I said.
"It's more commonly used than the word and." She said.
"She tries to get in again and I want her shot." I said.

For some strange reason...

Maricel's aunt seems to think that there's something odd about deciding to move in with some dude from a foreign land that you met on the Internet. Even after you've gone to the trouble of spending a couple of days with him in Las Vegas. I don't get it. Sounds like a plan to me. Poor woman, I totally understand why she's calling here at 6 a.m. our time and yelling so loud that I could hear every word of it. Apparently Maricel's cousin has spilled the beans. I'm sure the news seriously ruined dinner. She pointed out to Maricel that girls who move to America to take up with strange men often end up dead or in dire circumstances. Although all of the cases she seemed to be citing were mail-order brides. I guess I could have brought up that more than one guy has ended up dead at the hands of some girl he's imported. But that would mean that Maricel and I are both idiots. Wisely, Maricel did not argue much. She let her Aunt yell until she was hoarse and then politely told her that she appreciated the concern. Then she told her that she was substitute teaching and thinking about furthering her education. She pointed out that I was not some creepy old man hoping to find an Asian sex slave, but a rather harmless comic book dealer who was completely under thumb. (AM NOT!)
While she was on the phone, I went down to the bakery and picked up some doughnuts. When I got back, Maricel had gotten off the phone and put on some coffee.
"She has a point." I said.
"She's absolutely right." Maricel said. "But she's wrong, too."

I think I jumped ten feet when Maricel...

touched me on the shoulder. "What's up?" She asked as she sat down beside me on the couch.
"I think I'm brooding." I said.
"Can I brood with you?" She asked.
"I was going to stop it." I said.
"All right." Maricel said. "What would you like to do instead?"
"Don't you have to get up early to aid autistic children?" I asked.
"Not unless Mrs. Shriver's poodle has taken a turn for the worse. She was taking the day off for his surgery."
"Let's pray he pulls through."
"Oh, I am." Maricel said.
"When Danny gets back, I think I owe him a field trip." I said.
"I can't wait to meet him." She said.
"He's really a fun guy." I said. "Could be awhile, I have to make sure Brian's up to running the store. At least physically. I'll lock up the sharp objects and unplug the microwave."
She laughed.
"I've often wondered." I said. "What Danny thinks about Brian prancing around abusing his perfectly good body. The lungs are a little iffy, but the rest of it works or it used to. Danny's smart. He's really smart. And somebody has to get him get a glass of water."
"Life is often not fair." She said.
Then she gave me a back rub.
"Sometimes we get a lot more than we deserve." I said.

I always knew Weezer would end up in the hospital...

I was up ruminating in a post-martini funk. So I pulled out some photo albums. I always knew he's hurt himself or get in an accident. That's why I've been compelled to watch him since I was five. Danny was a shock to the system. He always did the right thing. But not so right that he annoyed people. Seeing him with his body broken made a fundamental change in me. I don't know if you'd call it growing up, but the fragility of the human body never hit home to me until them. It was apparent now. Weezer being done in by the air sacs in his lungs (as well as his refusal to treat his asthma with respect) and Danny freaking trapped in a chair by the chance of being injured in a particular place on his spin. He'd handled it well (as well as can be expected)
And when they finally outfitted him with his super-dooper deluxe wheelchair, there had been no stopping him. I pitied his poor caretaker hanging in the store as we talked comics. He sent her home, but she was afraid to leave. I promised I'd look after him.
"You sure you can handle it?" She asked with a gentle warning in her voice.
I jerked my head towards Weezer who was having difficulty figuring out the complexities of a large sandwich at the time. "I look after him."
"Fine." She said.
Then I pulled out an album I should have burned. I am none of the things SWSNBN says I am. I am ambitious. My ambitions are just not her ambitions. I want this store and it's sister the on-line store. I want to go to comic conventions and talk to other dorks about Wolverine's origins. And I've found a way to make money at it. Decent money in a business it's not easy to make decent money in. Do doctors make more money? Hell yeah and they should. I can't save you if your lungs decide to close up.

Speaking of old pictures: Here's one of the corner by my store back when the 4-lane road was a part of the Miami and Erie Canal. Kudos to the Toledo Library for the picture collection. I'm all about the Miami Erie Canal. I think I'll take Maricel out to look at the old locks in the metro parks over the weekend. It's picnic time! With an authentic historical experience! (Hold the cholera)

There's a cute girl sleeping in my bed. Guess I'll join her.

See you in the funny papers...
Simon

I told Maricel everything SWSNBN had to say about me...

She said the description was 98 percent wrong. Though she would not tell me what the 2 percent that was correct might be. But she said the sex more and made up for it.
"You're drunk." I said.
"You made me three martinis." She said.
I somehow pulled what I believe to be an ancient Dorothy Parker quote. "I love a martini, two at the most. Three I'm under the table, four I'm under the host."
She held up her glass. "Hit me."

Maricel says she's no expert...

but that in her opinion, one kid in the class is likely autistic. The rest of them need to be slapped. But again, she's no expert. And I didn't say it. So nobody get mad at me.
"Actually probably the parents." She said. "The parents need to be slapped."
"You're just slapping all kinds of people." I said.
"Bring your girlfriend back here." Maricel said after she took a sip from her martini.
"You're my girlfriend." I said
"I'm alledging that you're my fiance now." She said.
"That's it, label me." I said. "They all want to label me."
"Start on that next batch of drinks while you're at it." She said.

I went to see Weezer...

And he was looking so much better. He was off the ventilator, though still on oxygen. He opened his eyes and seemed pretty happy to see me. I told him the fascinating narrative of SWSNBN earring hunt. After about twenty minutes he mouthed what I took to be "present."
"I've got presents for you." I said.
He blinked and said. "Yours."
"You have a present for me?" I asked. "Cool."
"Find." He said.
"Shh" I said. "Not so much talking. I didn't find it yet. But I suck at finding stuff, don't I."
He smiled a little and drifted back to sleep.

Maricel looked like I felt...

"Bad day?" I asked.
"I need a nap." She said.
"Get on with your bad self then." I said.
"Do you want a break?" She offered.
"Nap." I said.
A couple of hours later she came down to let me know she was starting dinner.
"You wanna go out?" I offered.
She said cooking helped her unwind and that it was a mess upstairs. I briefly outlined some of this morning's events. I do not think she was pleased that SWSNBN was mucking around in her apartment. I was bound to raise her ire sooner or later.
She made shrimp for dinner, so I don't think she was too irked with me.
We traded bad day stories. For actual physical stress a room full of autistic fifth graders won hands down. But I think I won on the emotional pain level. There was no prize however.

I felt like absolute crap for the rest of the day...

Not sure why. There's not a doubt in my mind that I am in a much better place than I was when I lived with SWSNBN. But you're in a much better place after having a tumor cut out, odds are you still feel like hell. I guess I'd thought the wound had healed up better than it actually had. Probably not too good an idea to pick at the stitches. It's likely a combination of things that put me in my funk. Weezer on a ventilator, thinking about Danny's crash... Oddly, I don't think moving in the new girl has much to do with it. Sometimes it's hard to believe Maricel and SWSNBN are the same species. Maybe Maricel has mutant girlfriend powers. I dunno. I finally got a reply from Danny. A short one and franky I was expecting more interest with the combination of Comic-con and a hot new girlfriend. Maybe he's mad at me, I have been a fair-weather friend lately. He made some truly generic chit-chat about Florida, but he did make reference to a funny sunburn incident from our youth in the last sentence, so maybe he was softening towards me. I told him to make sure they rubbed in the sunscreen. Then a customer came in and looked around kind of hopefully. I think he was looking for Maricel. Seeing that there wasn't a pretty girl in sight, he bought a comic book and left. Cheapskate. Just kidding, I love every last one of you no matter how much you spend. Oh, a bunch of new stuff in the Ebay store today! So get to buying!
See you in the funny paper...
Simon

I used to love the stupid heifer...

So I was really nice and let her look around for her precious earrings. Even though she seemed to think that I should have just been grateful for the experience of knowing her and not asked any questions upon being discarded. But the fact that she felt that way gives me moral superiority. And I enjoy that. She has no idea where her damn earrings are. Only that she's misplaced them and for some reason her crooked little mind decided they were here. They aren't. I opened and went through more drawers than I should have and even let her look through the plastic tubs that hold my Christmas decorations. She stopped to look at the wall of Maricel, which the closet door on which I taped some pictures that she e-mailed me of herself. One is her in front of her doll collection and SWSNBN noticed that.
"She's got a lot of dolls." She remarked.
"She builds them like models." I said.
"Really?" SWSNBN said.
About twenty minutes into the fruitless search, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and demanded. "Where are they?"
She used to do that a lot. "Why won't this work? Why did it have to rain?" As if there was something I could do about it.
"I don't know." I said.
"Are you torturing me?" She sobbed.
"No, you're torturing me." I said. "I don't know where they are."
"They have to be here." She insisted.
"Where?" I asked.
"I don't know!" She stamped her foot on the floor like a child.
"Neither do I." I said. "But I let you look."
"Well I told you why I left." She said wiping her eyes.
"You could have just said bye." I said.
"You'd have cried like a baby." She said. "And I wouldn't have been able to leave."
"I think I might have been a little relieved. I found living with you to be somewhat stifling."
"Living with ME was stifling?" Her wet eyes grew wide with surprise.
"And I guess I thought that's just what living with someone was like. You got a daily critique and what you wanted to do or eat or watch really didn't matter anymore. But I think that may have been just you trying to fix me. And I'm not really broken."
"Oh, you're just wonderful." She said sarcastically.
"Why do you care?" I asked. "You've found Mr. Right."
"I wasted a lot of time on you." She said.
"I wasted a lot of time this morning." I said. "And I'm finished."

Well, apparently I suck...

BIGTIME. There's so much wrong with me that it's hard to even just hit the highlights in twenty minutes when you're pouring it out at the speed of sound. It's nothing a guy could work on either. I suffer from deeply ingrained character flaws, perhaps even more than one personality disorder. I'm unambitious (me, small buisness owner by twenty-five!) I'm uncaring (Me, Mr. never-forgets-a-birthday) Basically FAT, LAZY, MEAN, FAT, DORKY, FAT, CHILDISH, FAT, STUPID, FAT, GOOFY and did I mention that I'm FAT. I'm five ten and weight two hundred and twenty pounds. I'm a fatboy, but I'm not that fat. Anyway, being that I'm fat and fatally flawed, she had no choice but to take up with some other guy she met at the gym. She had never realized just how much I sucked until she met someone so marvelous. Then it occurred to her that she just deserved better. Well, good for her! And telling me about it would have been a hassle. So it was just easier to make a clean break while I wasn't there. Perfectly understandable. Goodness, I couldn't wait to help her find just the right earring to wear to her wedding to the guy she dumped me for!

Maricel got an early a.m. call to substitute...

That must be one thorough background check. Not! They needed her to come in at a school specializing in kids with autism. I didn't know school had even started back yet, but this place obviously has. She didn't seem daunted by the task of taking on a new challenge. So I made her a hearty breakfast with plenty of protein, packed her a tasty lunch and insisted on driving her to work. She can bus back if she insists upon it, though I got no problem locking up the shop for forty minutes in the afternoon. I can do that. I'm the boss. I doubt I'll miss a million dollar sale. So I get back with some time before the store opens and who do I spot lingering outside? Oh, you know. SWSNBN, of course. I should have called the police again, but I did not. I unlocked the door and let her blondeful bitchiness in.
"What!" I said. "What do you want from me?'
"My earrings. I just want my earrings."
"I have no idea in this world where they are." I said.
"Let me look for them." She said.
"You can't toss my house." I said. "Didn't the police explain that to you?"
"That's so ridiculous." She said. "I used to live here."
"Well, we used to live together. Can I toss your house?"
"So you'll just punish me until the end of time for having the nerve to leave you? It's the ultimate crime."
"See I have the idea that you're punishing me for something. And I have no clue what that might be."
She snorted in absolute disgust. Her nose wrinkled up. She hated the sight, sound and smell of me. Though I should have smelled okay. I showered, washed my hair and used deodorant and a splash of aftershave that morning. "So you want to ruin my wedding?"
"No, I don't care about your wedding or another." I said. "I wouldn't go out of my way to mess it up for you. Why would I want this hassle, *****?"
"You hate me for leaving you and ruining your life." She said.
"My life is fine." I said. "I was pretty... stunned when you dumped me. But I think I've moved on pretty well. My new girlfriend likes me."
"Yeah, you have a new girlfriend." She said. "Babe, some girls will do anything for a green card."
"Well, now I really want to help you find your earrings." I said.
"Let me look for them." She pleaded. "You can supervise."
"Tell me why you left me." I said. "Why you up and split without so much as a kiss my ass, fat boy."
"You don't want to know." She said.
"Yeah, I really do." I said. "You tell me and I'll give you an hour to look for your earrings."

You may note...

That Alan Moore, whom Maricel suspects of being part of the red menace wrote it. But enough with my geekdom.

see you in the funny papers...
Simon

Other Gotham Girls to note:

Poison Ivy: as we all know scientists are the first to lose their grips and turn into super villians. Just a hint to the scientists of the world: AVOID PETER PARKER.

Catwoman: I think I may be dating her.

Batgirl: Also known as Oracle. Barbara Gordon is one of my favorite characters. To have someone become paralyzed and keep it that way is honest and a little bit brave.

By the way, if you get the chance read The Killing Joke. But not if you need to sleep that night.

If I were an evil lying cow where would I put my earrings?

I considered this question while enjoying a Batman: The Animnated Series DVD with Maricel. In my opinion, none of the live action movies has been as exciting, well-done and sexy as the cartoon. That Harley Quinn is one hot mama. Though, like a lot of other hot mamas I've known, she likes her some bad boy. I cannot tell you how many girls have told me I'm too nice. You know what, I'm not that nice. Just ask SWSNBN. I think. Maybe she left because I'm too nice. Or because I'm a nice/not nice fence straddler. I dunno. Something to ponder, I reckon.

Ellen jogged by us as we sat there...

eating ice cream and probing my memories. She asked after Brian and I gave her the latest news. Told her we had dinner with the folks and she laughed. "How's that sister of yours?"
Maricel laughed, too. "Fine, she thinks I'm a mail-order prostitute."
"I'll bet she'll have a candlelight vigil for you." Ellen said. "She-who-you-don't-say-the-name-of is pretty ticked at you."
I didn't bother to correct her. "What else is new?"
"Says she's gonna sue you." Ellen grinned.
"For preventing a breaking and entering?" I suggested.
"For stealing her granny's earrings." She said.
"I thought I was the one who took them." Maricel said.
"I'd be patting down Brian if it was me." Ellen said.
"Yeah, sue him." I said. "You'll get a huge percentage of less than nothing."
"You don't have her damn earrings tucked away somewhere, do you?" Ellen asked.
"I don't steal frickin' earrings." I said. "Just souls, Ellie Mae."
"Is there some place she might have put them?" She suggested.
"Screw her." I said. "Let her get married without them at her fabulous destination wedding."
"It would be an easy way to shut her up and get her off your back." Ellen said. "Cause she's nuts, Hon. You never seemed to see it, but she's nuts."
"Am I nuts?" Maricel asked.
"Well, you're living with him." Ellen said.