Maricel was worried...

that SWSNBN had hurt my feelings with the "tub of lard" comment. So as we lay in bed, she was affectionately rubbing my pasty, doughy physique and making sure I knew that she loved me just as I am. I get that. I get that Maricel actually likes most of the things that SWSNBN disliked about me. One woman's trash is apparently another woman's treasure. My feeling weren't any more hurt than they were when I came home and found her gone. There's just a point beyond which someone can't hurt you any more. They can annoy you. And I am definitely annoyed. They can do two hundred dollars worth of damage to your back door and try to ruin your whirlwind romance. She could do all that for reasons I just don't get. But I don't think she can make me feel any worse.
"No wonder I couldn't find a girl." I said to Maricel. "I was looking on the wrong continent."
"And you were searching on land, when you should have been in cyberspace." She said.
"I'll never say a cross word about the Internet again." I said.
"I like it here so much." She said.
She could have meant America or Toledo or maybe my bed.
"Even with the bitchy blonde burglar?" I said.
"She barely even counts." Maricel said. "She can go live on a shelf with my big mistake."
"He ever break into your house?" I asked.
"No, I don't think he cared enough about me at the end to ever be bothered. And I did give him the jewelry back."
"If I had her freaking jewelry, I would have given back." I said. "Now I might just sell it to pay for my freaking door."
"See, I think you'd eventually give it to her sister." Maricel said. "But you might hold it until after her wedding."
"If I even had a clue what happened to them." I said. "I'm not spiteful. At least I didn't used to be, but I could be getting my spite on here."
Then the phone rang...